


Love in a Cell

by AshKnight



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Mental Illness, Prison, incarceration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-12 20:06:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18017576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshKnight/pseuds/AshKnight
Summary: Shaking herself back into the present, Regina’s eyes snapped open, just in time to hear the judge say, “We find the defendant not guilty by reason of insanity.  However, we also find the dependent unfit to continue living independently in civilized society.”Regina’s lawyer, a young hot-shot who took pleasure in defending the guilty, nudged her in the side and offered a broad, cocky smile.“See?” he said.  “Told you we’d nail it.”But was being found criminally insane and being sentenced to a secure psychiatric unit at a state prison really better than wasting away on death row?  Regina wasn’t sure, but she knew she was about to find out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [R_W_Callahan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/R_W_Callahan/gifts).



> Trigger warnings for rape and discussion of mental illness.
> 
> This work is gifted to the hero who helped me iron out the end of the story. Thanks, R_W_Callahan.

The secure psychiatric unit at the Maine state prison was not a place of rehabilitation. It was a place to lock up the criminally insane and throw away the key.

Whether Regina Mills was rightfully sentenced there could be considered for debate. The crimes of which she had been convicted were described as so heinous that few doubted that she belonged in the psychiatric unit. The rest believed she belonged on death row.

Either way, there she was, and there she would stay, for the entirety of her life sentence. She had no recourse but to remain in her cell for twenty-two hours of the day, knowing that for the rest of her life, she would not be released. For the first three months of her sentence, given her high-profile and maximum-security status, the two hours a day she spent out of her cell were also in isolation. One hour in the group room – without a group to join her – and one hour in a cage outside in the shade. (The building towered over the yard, and the sun only shone on that side later in the afternoon, after she'd had her time outside.) The first three months came and went in silence. She refused to speak to the guards, the social worker who visited her once a week, and the psychiatrist who prescribed her medication monthly for the "symptoms" she never complained of.

Regina was given a diagnosis upon her admission to the secure psychiatric unit at the state prison: schizophrenia, first episode, currently in acute episode, characterized by delusions and hallucinations. This was given upon a psychiatric evaluation, completed as part of her trial, at her own lawyer's recommendation. The intention was to keep her from being sentenced to death row, which of course, worked perfectly. No one doubted the results of the psychiatric evaluation.

"This individual," the psychiatrist had said on the stand, "is severely unstable and incapable of discerning right from wrong. In my professional opinion, she is criminally insane."

"And would you say she could be considered responsible for her own actions?" the prosecutor asked the woman.

Regina watched on in silence, even as her lawyer whispered something unhelpful in her ear, her eyes shimmering in the bright lights of the courtroom, but cold and frozen.

"Absolutely not."

When one of Regina's former lovers took the stand, her eyes glazed over as her head turned slightly and allowed her gaze to fall absently on the clock.

After tuning out for a while, all she heard was, "Are you kidding? She's insane! She-" before the ringing in her ears drowned out the sound of the woman's condemnation.

The brunette's thoughts floated to the early past. She remembered the night of the incident that had left her current boyfriend lying dead in a pool of his own blood and felt nothing. Then, her thoughts shifted to her past relationship with the woman on the stand, and surprisingly, the last time they'd made love.

" _God, Regina," the dark-haired beauty moaned, having become breathless. "I fucking love you. Please, don't stop."_

Shaking herself back into the present, Regina's eyes snapped open, just in time to hear the judge say, "We find the defendant not guilty by reason of insanity. However, we also find the dependent unfit to continue living independently in civilized society."

Regina's lawyer, a young hot-shot who took pleasure in defending the guilty, nudged her in the side and offered a broad, cocky smile.

"See?" he said. "Told you we'd nail it."

But was being found criminally insane and being sentenced to a secure psychiatric unit at a state prison really better than wasting away on death row? Regina wasn't sure, but she knew she was about to find out.

The officers dragged her from the courtroom and returned her to isolation in the jail until the date of her sentencing.

~!~!~

After the first three months of silence in isolation, the resident psychiatrist determined that Regina was stable enough to join the maximum-security unit, where she would finally be able to interact with a few others in the yard for an hour in the morning and spend another hour in the afternoon in the group room. But she was not exactly looking forward to the interaction. Unlike many who would crack under forty-eight hours of solitary confinement, Regina tolerated the isolation without breaking under the weight of complete and total silence. Upon hearing that she was about to be moved into the maximum-security unit, she felt a sensation of something close to dread.

Once she was moved into her new cell – one that was no longer padded – Regina found herself sitting quietly on her stripped mattress on the floor for the next twenty-four hours. Then – by this time, she'd lost track of time again, as many often did in the psychiatric unit – she was startled into consciousness by the sound of a guard shouting at her through the door. At first, she didn't register what he had said, but he quickly repeated himself.

Voice boiling with irritation, he growled, "I said hands on the back wall, psycho, before I take you to the floor and throw your ass back into solitary."

Now was her chance to escape the pressure of being exposed to her peers. She could simply refuse, be thrown to the concrete floor, and dragged back into isolation, where she was comfortable. At least then the howling screams of her fellow inmates would be muffled by the several corridors that separated the isolation cells from the rest of the population. At least then, maybe she would be able to sleep again.

But the human part of her longed for some social interaction, even though she knew she wouldn't speak. Just to look at another person, someone who wasn't a guard, even if they were completely crazy, would bring some kind of relief. So she stood facing the back wall and put her hands up on the stone as the guard burst through the door and cuffed her, dragging her roughly out of her cell.

She was nearly tossed out of the steel door leading to the concrete 'yard' where four other inmates were standing in the shade. One was staring directly at her feet, one was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, one was staring at the wall, and only one of them was looking up through the shade at the cloudy sky. None were speaking to each other. Only the one curled up on the floor was making noise, muttering incoherent phrases to herself as she rocked back and forth.

When the steel door slammed shut behind her, Regina's heart began to race. It calmed slowly as she realized that no one was going to approach her, and she took to joining the other inmate in looking up at the sky. Suddenly, with great force, it started to pour down rain, soaking Regina's short-sleeve shirt almost instantly. The other inmate continued to stare up at the sky, and as Regina covered her head, she watched curiously as the woman allowed the rain to cover her face.

Starting to shiver, Regina backed up towards the door back into the prison. Then, to her surprise, the woman who had been staring at the sky turned abruptly and met her gaze. The woman's features were soft, and her blonde hair splashed over her shoulders, soaked from the rain. The brunette found herself unable to tear her eyes away from the young beauty, even as she looked on in horror when the woman started to approach her. The blonde's steps were slow and steady, non-threatening, but Regina continued to feel a sense of dread filling her as she stood frozen in place.

"You're new," the blonde pointed out. "What ya in for? You chop up your boyfriend too?"

Regina felt her stomach drop. The woman was grinning.

Given that the brunette had, in fact, killed her lover, the woman's blunt prediction was unnerving. But Regina said nothing.

Faced with silence, the blonde asked, "Ah. The silent, mysterious kind. I like that in a woman."

Regina's eyes went wide. Who the fuck did this girl think she was? And why the hell was she even talking to her?

"I'm Emma."

Looking at Regina expectantly, the blonde continued to grin. When she realized that she would receive no response, she shrugged her shoulders and walked away, bouncing on her heels.

That night, in her cell, Regina lay on the bare mattress and stared up at the ceiling, picturing the face of the beautiful young woman who had approached her in the yard. She found herself thinking of Emma's piercing green eyes and the way they seemed to look straight into her. She thought of the way the woman's hair bounced around her shoulders. The way she smiled. It was the most kindness she'd seen in a long, long time.

Then, Regina thought of her own bruises. The way her boyfriend's fists had pounded into her face and stomach. The way her ribs had cracked from the force. She shivered, thinking of it. It wasn't that she was scared of him. No. She was just… done. Done being abused.

After finally falling asleep, she talked in her sleep for the first time.

"No. No. Don't."

Luckily, her muttering had been relatively quiet, and none of the guards had heard her. She woke up shivering, her only blanket having been kicked off and laying in a pile at the foot of the mattress.

When she was brought back to the yard that day, the blonde was sitting in the middle, legs crossed, staring up at the sky again. At first, Regina simply watched her, but again, she was caught off guard when the woman turned around and looked right at her. Regina's breath hitched when their eyes met, and she found herself unable to tear her gaze away as Emma stood and approached her. Without thinking, though, she took several slow steps backwards as the woman advanced on her. Still, Emma continued to move forward, until Regina was shaking.

"Hi," Emma said. When Regina said nothing, she added, "You don't look crazy, so why are you here?"

Regina blinked a few times before finally breaking her gaze. She forced herself to stare over the blonde's shoulder at the other few inmates that were on the yard. Maybe if she just pretended the woman wasn't there…

But Emma simply went quiet, sitting down cross-legged on the concrete and looking up at the brunette.

Then, Emma suddenly asked, "Do you hear those bells?" When Regina still didn't answer, she added, "I never know what's really there or not…"

Regina's eyes went wide at this confession.

"You know they watch us, right?"

Again, Regina just blinked in the sunlight and stared at her. Was this girl for real?

_Of course they watch us, idiot. They're guards._

"They listen to our conversations too. They know everything we-"

"Alright, pigs. Back inside," the guard yelled from the doorway.

In a daze, Regina followed orders and made her way to the door, but Emma backed away until her back was against the far wall and grinned at the guard.

"Come get me!" she cried.

 _Is this girl fucking insane?_ Regina was thinking, as she stared on in disbelief.

"Oh,  _hell_ no," the guard growled. "This ain't happenin'. Not today, princess."

Shoving Regina out of the way, he advanced on Emma and grabbed her arm, twisting it behind her back. To his horror, she didn't cry out in pain. She just laughed.

"What are you fucking looking at?!" he cried, looking at Regina. "Get your ass back inside so O'Connor can cuff you up and drag your whore ass back to your cell! Don't just fucking stand there staring, or you'll be the next one to go down."

With that, he shoved Emma down on the ground, sat on her back, and cuffed her hands. Still, she was laughing. When he dragged her roughly to her feet, though, she stumbled and nearly fell out of his grasp. Finally, after Regina had hurried back through the doorway, Emma was shoved back into the building too.

"Bye, sexy!" Emma shouted with a bright laugh as she was dragged down the hall, past Regina.

"What the fuck you lookin' at, psycho?" the guard watching Regina spat. "MOVE!"

After being shoved hard from behind, Regina stumbled forward toward her cell.

~!~!~

The next two days in the yard were uneventful, and Regina had not seen the young woman anywhere. She assumed that Emma had been swiftly put in solitary confinement after the episode she'd had on the yard. On the third day, just when she was sure that Emma was not going to spontaneously show up, Emma was shoved through the door into the yard.

Raising an eyebrow, Regina watched as the woman stepped into the sunlight and stared up at the clouds. After a few minutes, Emma finally turned and looked at Regina. Her expression was subdued. Emotionless. Just when Regina thought she might say something, Emma turned back around and stared at the wall.

The brunette almost wanted to ask if she was okay, but she already knew what had happened. Emma had felt brave and was uncontrolled in her outburst, and the consequences were severe. Isolation broke almost anyone.

They were both silent for the rest of the hour, until a guard stepped forward and shouted, "Oy! Sluts! Get over here! Time to go back inside!"

In an instant, Regina saw Emma's face turn red with fury.

"Fuck you, asshole!" she shouted, flipping him off.

 _Oh, God,_ Regina groaned in her head.  _Not again…_

But the guard was on her in an instant, this time not bothering to pull her arms behind her back. Instead, he simply removed his baton from its holster and proceeded to beat her with it.

When Regina heard a soft cry escape Emma's lips, something involuntary compelled her to leap forward and tear the guard away, using all her strength. He fell backwards onto his rear, but when he scrambled to get up, Regina kicked him in the ribs and grabbed Emma by the arm, dragging her away towards the door.

It took seconds for the guard to recover and rise to his feet, and once he was up, he tore Regina away from Emma and threw her against the closest concrete wall of the yard. When Regina saw Emma run towards her, she shook her head quickly before the guard shoved it forward and smashed it against the wall. Blood poured from her temple as he took his baton and began to beat her with it. He seemed to have forgotten all about Emma, which had been Regina's intention.

After two weeks of painful isolation, Regina was put back into the general maximum-security population, but when she ended up in the yard for the first time, Emma wasn't there. Regina wondered if she'd been put in solitary too, but had she been, she would have been out by then. Surely, she wouldn't have been put in for longer than Regina.

Each day, Regina found herself hoping to see the young blonde on the yard and was also surprised to find herself disappointed when the woman wasn't there. It was another week before she saw Emma again.

When Emma entered the yard, Regina felt her stomach drop. The first thought was that she was grateful to see no bruises or fresh scars on the woman's body. Her next thought was how grateful she was just to see her. Even though she'd never actually spoken to her, the kindness Emma had shown her was more than she'd experienced in a long, long time.

Emma walked up to her slowly, not smiling, but her expression soft.

"Thank you," she whispered, looking deep into Regina's eyes.

The brunette felt herself shiver as a shock ran through her body, but of course, she said nothing.

"What you did for me was very brave."

Regina shrugged.

"Thank you."

Finally, Regina nodded.

Without asking, Emma suddenly wrapped her arms around Regina's torso and squeezed, embracing her enthusiastically. Immediately, Regina's body stiffened.

"Oh," Emma said quietly, pulling away as she sensed just how unwelcome the gesture was. "Sorry."

Turning her face away, Regina shrugged her shoulders.

Affectionately touching Regina's hand, Emma said softly, "You're sweet."

But Regina just shook her head and walked away, unable to handle the tenderness of the moment, leaving Emma standing in the middle of the yard, staring as she walked back towards the entrance to the prison.

~!~!~

In her cell, Regina thought of the tenderness in Emma's touch and the way it felt to have arms around her. It seemed so foreign. So strange. It had been so long since she had felt kindness in someone's touch that she'd almost forgotten what it felt like. Especially in such an environment, it felt out of place. Something about her touch was different than any other touch she'd ever felt, though, and it caught her off guard.

The intrusive thoughts continued through the night and kept her awake, and when she finally did fall asleep, the ghost of Emma's touch lulled her into a deep dream.

_At first, all Regina could see were her lover's breasts, bouncing as the woman rode her. The moans, pleading for orgasm, were high-pitched and desperate, but Regina was silent, breathing heavily without speaking._

_Regina assumed that the woman she was making love to in the dream was her former lover, but as the woman began to palm her breasts, she looked up and saw that the woman was not dark-haired, but rather blonde, and had Emma's beautiful face._

She woke with a start the next morning, torn from the first deep sleep she'd had in ages by the sound of a shouting guard.

"Get your ass out of bed! Shower time. You reek like a pig."

Regina knew this wasn't true, as she had been taken for a shower the previous day, but the comment was still insulting. Normally, she could allow the guards' comments to fade from her mind as she ignored them, but something about this particular statement got under her skin and irritated her. Still, she said nothing. Instead, she stood and allowed the guard to cuff her and walk her to the shower.

Of course, she was watched. As the hot water poured down over her body and thoughts of the blonde beauty she had dreamed of the previous night flooded her mind again, she had the sudden urge to relieve the tension these images caused. For the first time in a long time, she wanted to touch herself.

The agony of this reality intensified the heat of the shower, and the humiliation of being watched by a guard. Of course, they had to be sure she wasn't going to kill herself, so they had to monitor every activity. Even the yard was covered with cameras that caught everything on video. Luckily, the tapes were never watched unless there was an incident that required investigation. The shower situation, though… It was exceptionally unsettling.

Regina managed to get through the painfully awkward situation and made it back to her cell mostly unscathed. However, what followed, as the desire for an intimate release faded, was a deep, cold dread of going back out onto the yard later that day.

~!~!~

Emma was there, in her usual spot, when Regina was shoved out onto the yard. She was sitting cross-legged, staring up at the sky, and as Regina's heart began to beat even harder, she found herself wondering what the woman was staring at. Clouds? Perhaps. Or maybe she was hallucinating. Emma herself had confessed that this was a normal occurrence. But Regina still wondered, but she was too terrified by the uncertainty of what was to follow when the woman noticed her to even consider asking. Besides, she'd chosen to refrain from speaking and had so far been successful with this endeavor. She wasn't about to give up on it now. Not because some random woman hugged her.

As though she had some sort of sixth sense, Emma turned her head almost instantly, leaving Regina very little time to panic further about what the woman might say if she did turn around. It was happening, whether she was ready or not. To her surprise, though, the woman simply turned back around and lowered her gaze to the bare concrete wall. Again, Regina wondered what she was staring at. Certainly not clouds.

Suddenly, Regina felt compelled forward. Compelled to speak to Emma. Compelled to open up and tell her entire life's story to her. To confess her dreams and desires.

But this was immediately shut down, as soon as the sentiment was realized.  _Impossible,_ Regina reasoned.  _Never._

Then, she was surprised again when Emma turned around once more, stared at her for a long moment, and called out, "You coming over or what?"

Without thinking, without feeling, Regina took several steps forward.

"Well?" Emma pressed, no longer having to shout. "Come here." When Regina was standing directly beside her, Emma added, "Sit."

Again, Regina obeyed without thinking. She was only shaken from her stupor when Emma began to stare into her eyes, piercing them with the intensity of her gaze.

"Are you mute, or do you just hate me?"

Regina looked around to make sure no one was watching, then shook her head slowly.

"No to which?"

Blinking a few times, the brunette looked at her blankly and did not reply.

"Okay," Emma said plainly, looking away. When Regina made a move to stand, after a long bout of silence that hung heavily between them, Emma reached for her hand, took it, and tugged her gently back down, saying, "Stay. Stay with me."

Again, Regina stared as the woman looked into her eyes, and again, she obeyed. Emma did not let go of her hand. They sat like that for a while, Emma staring up at the sky and Regina staring at Emma, until it was time to go back inside the prison.

"Bye," Emma said quickly, finally letting go of Regina's hand as she kissed her companion's cheek and rushed to the door.

Mostly, Regina was surprised at the blonde's compliance. She was sure that Emma would protest and get in trouble again. The woman seemed relentless in her defiance. But this day, she simply stood and followed orders. Also stunned by the kiss, which the guards thankfully had not seen, Regina followed suit and re-entered the unit.

Again, in her cell, Regina thought of Emma, and her shining yellow hair and bright green eyes. Her beauty and tenderness. For the first time, she felt the pain of being alone.

~!~!~

The next time Regina saw Emma was when she was walking down the hall – escorted by a particularly brutal guard – on her way to the showers. Regina's head was lowered, and she stared at her feet as she walked, dragged along by the guard who carelessly shoved her, causing her to stumble repeatedly. The only reason she lifted her gaze was to see who had brushed her shoulder when walking by. To her surprise, it was Emma. Her hair was wet, and she'd clearly just showered. Water dripped down her shoulders, making her skin shimmer.

Regina shivered and froze in her tracks. Of course, the guard shoved her forward, shouting at her to keep walking, and although it was difficult to turn her head back to face the direction she was walking, she managed to reluctantly do so.

After shouting several commands at her as she stripped and stepped under the shower head, the guard ambushed her quickly, turning off the stream of cold water before grabbing her arm and jerking her around to face him.

"I'm talking to you, slut. Didn't you hear me?"

Quickly, she shook her head, not wanting to start anything with someone who she already knew was merciless and unforgiving. Anything to avoid the conflict.

"TALK," he screamed, shoving her against the wall.

She stared at him, no longer unwilling but now fully unable to speak.

He reached for her neck and tightened his grip, saying, "Talk, before I teach you a fucking lesson about disobeying orders, you fucking psycho."

But of course, even if she'd wanted to, even if she'd tried, she wouldn't have been able to make any noise other than a strangled cry with his hand wrapped tightly around her neck, squeezing hard.

When she remained silent, only coughing a few times as she tried to draw breath, the man growled, "You asked for this," and continued to hold her against the wall with one hand as he undid the zipper of his pants with the other. Regina's eyes widened with fear, and as soon as he pressed his body against her, she managed to choke out a piercing scream.

The guard said nothing. He simply choked her harder and pressed her more tightly against the wall as he attempted to enter her. Before he was able to, he was torn away and pulled backwards until he stumbled and slipped, falling to the floor.

"O'Connor!" he shouted, calling to the closest guard as he saw the tenacious blonde prisoner standing over him.

When he tried to bring his leg up to kick her, he found himself screaming again as she slammed her foot down on his knee. The loud crack could be heard in the hallway. Meanwhile, Regina had shrunk to the floor and was sobbing. She was barely able to see her heroine through her tears, but she knew it was Emma.

"You're a fucking cunt, and I'll fucking KILL YOU if you touch her again!" the blonde screamed, kicking him in the crotch once before the second guard charged into the room and dragged her away, throwing her to the floor and kicking her hard in the torso. The cracking of her ribs sent a shock down Regina's spine.

"NO!" the brunette screamed, finally finding the strength to rise to her feet.

But it was too late. She'd finally used her words, and they were worthless. The guard scrambled to his feet quickly and smashed her head against the tile wall, and she dropped back to the floor as the room spun before everything went black.

~!~!~

It took Regina four hours to wake from her black-out. After forty-eight hours, solitary finally got under her skin. The walls closed in, and her head continued to spin throughout her stay in the padded cell. All she could think of was Emma. That is, until she heard a voice coming from the vent near the mattress on the floor.

At first, she thought she was imagining things. Auditory hallucinations from a concussion, she reasoned. But the voice got slightly louder, and as the room's spinning slowed slightly, it became clearer as well. It was Emma. But she wasn't talking to Regina. She was talking to herself. Talking? No. Singing. Then talking. Then singing again.

Regina tried to find the strength to speak, to call out to Emma and see if she could hear her through the vent as well. But the words stuck. She'd finally managed to speak the singular word, and it was wasted. Now, all she wanted to say was Emma's name. Her beautiful, melodic name. But it escaped her, and all she could do was continue to cry, finally allowing herself to think back to the way the woman had saved her from the most traumatic event she'd experienced at the prison. Why? Why had she risked solitary confinement to protect her? Regina wasn't sure, but she was grateful.

Eventually, she managed to cry herself to sleep to the sound of Emma's song.

She woke an hour later, startling herself awake with her own blood-curdling scream. She was sweating.

"Hey. Hey. You okay?" a voice called out.

It was Emma again, but this time, the blonde was speaking to her.

Or was she imagining it?

The voice continued to call out to her, gently, but loud enough for her to hear clearly.

"Okay. Alright. I get it. You don't talk. Just bang on the grate twice if you're alright, okay?" When no sound followed, Emma added, "Please."

Hesitantly, Regina banged on the grate, but only once.

"Fuck. I'm so sorry," Emma said, understanding what this meant. "That was a stupid question. I'm sorry. Of course you're not okay."

 _Thank you,_ Regina tried to say. But it wouldn't come out. Nothing came out, except the sound of her labored breathing.

"I wish I knew your name," Emma said softly.

 _Say it. Say it. Just say it!_ Regina was screaming internally. Still, nothing.

"God. I'm so glad I was there. I thought…" Emma sighed, then continued, "I don't know what I thought. I guess I didn't think. I just… acted. That's kind of just me, ya know? Acting without thinking. Pretty much all the time. When I think, I think too much, and it's never about my own behavior. It's always… you know. The voices and stuff. I think about the voices. And the people. And… Well… You get it."

But of course, Regina didn't get it. Well, she understood, intellectually, but she'd never had a hallucination, unless what was happening right now was one of them. She still couldn't be sure. But she wanted to assure Emma that it was okay. That the voices weren't in control. That she was in control. But maybe that wasn't true. Judging by the woman's behavior, it was almost hard to believe that she acted of her own free will. After all, what sane person would challenge a guard without provocation? Sure, the incident in the shower may have been merited – still crazy that she'd risk her own life, though – but the episodes in the yard? Unnecessary. Surely, she wasn't just amused by the conflict. There was no way that-

"Do you ever think that maybe  _nothing_ is real?"

Truthfully, Regina hadn't. She'd never questioned her reality. She'd questioned others' motivations, but she'd never questioned what was real and what was not. But maybe Emma was a figment of her imagination. Maybe the guard had raped her. Maybe that was why she blacked out. Maybe Emma was just her own defense mechanism, to escape the horrors of being locked up for the rest of her life. Or maybe she wasn't locked up at all. Maybe she was at home, sleeping, imagining  _everything._ Maybe she was in bed with her boyfriend, and she'd just  _imagined_ killing him. To be fair, she'd blacked out most of it anyway. It was all a jumbled series of events. Just punches and bruises and waking up to blood. Maybe none of it was real.

"Sometimes I think I'm making you up."

Regina's eyes widened.

"Like… I dunno. Like maybe you're my guardian angel or something. Like maybe if I just see your face… if I just feel you… any way at all… it'll be okay."

As her heart began to palpitate, Regina felt her body tense.

After a pause, Emma sighed, "Yeah. That's probably it. I'm probably just talking to myself again. You're probably just another one of my people. You seem so real, though… But you don't talk. I mean, all the other people talk. But you don't. Maybe that's why you stay, and the others go. Maybe it's so you don't break the illusion for me. Maybe it's so you can keep looking out for me. So you can keep breaking me from my reality." Another long pause followed before the blonde added, "I haven't slept in three days. You know sleep deprivation makes you hallucinate? They say I have a Schizo Waffle diagnosis." She was laughing as she said this. "That's what I call Schizoaffective Disorder. Anyway, it means I'm crazy. I'm lucky, 'cause I'm one of the few people who knows they're crazy. At least I have that. But I can't make the voices and stuff stop. But the thing is… I don't want you to go away. Even if you're not real, I don't want you to go. But I… I wish you were real…"

When Emma started to cry, sniffling and rubbing the tears from her eyes, Regina heard it in her voice and felt a lump rise in her throat.

Finally…  _Finally…_ she choked out, "I am real."

There was dead silence in both cells before Emma recovered from her own shock.

"You talked."

Regina banged lightly on the grate twice.

"Does it hurt to talk?"

Again, twice.

"I love your voice…"

Again, Regina's heartbeat quickened.

"Please. Please, tell me your name."

 _I can't. I can't. I can't,_ Regina's mind was screaming.

But she managed.

"Regina."

"God, that's beautiful."

Regina pressed her cheek against the cold concrete wall and shut her eyes, feeling the blush rising to her cheeks, but also feeling a wave of relief wash over her as the melodic sound of Emma's voice filled her ears.

"I wish I could see you. I'd give anything to touch you again." Another pause, and then, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Keep talking," Regina managed.

"I think I love you, Regina." Silence, then, "I'd do anything to keep you safe. I'd do anything to get you out of here."

After a long pause, Regina sighed, "I'll never get out of here."

"How do you know that?"

"Because no one gets out of here."

Suddenly solemn, Emma looked down and went quiet, leaving Regina to wonder what the woman was thinking in her silence.

"Emma?"

"Maybe you're right. Maybe we won't."

Lowering her head to the pillow-less mattress, Regina sighed again.

"Why did they put you here?" the blonde finally asked.

Regina shut her eyes and was pulled into her past.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for graphic depictions of violence.

" _Come here, slut!" Regina's lover screamed, grabbing her arm and jerking her around to face him._

" _Robin, please. I didn't mean to-" she cried, trying to pull away._

_But his grip was too tight, and when he cocked his arm back to hit her, there was no escaping the blow. His fist made contact with her jaw, nearly dislocating the joint, causing Regina's head to whip to the side._

" _Please," the woman whimpered._

_But he was too strong, too furious, too determined to destroy her. Again and again, his fist made contact with her face. When he pushed her onto the ground and kicked her in the ribs, she felt and heard them crack. He laughed as she let out a blood-curdling scream. Luckily, his laugh gave her the split second she needed to scramble up off the floor and grab the knife on the kitchen counter. As soon as he made a move to grab her again, she turned and drove the serrated blade into his chest, twisting hard and screaming as tears of agony poured from her eyes. She found the strength to pull the knife out slam it back into his flesh. He screamed too as he collapsed to the floor, his hands pressed flat against the gaping wounds in his chest._

_He was still. Regina waited._

_Finally, he moved to sit up. Horrified, Regina dove at him and hacked at his neck, causing a fountain of blood to erupt from the wound. He died staring at her, and Regina saw fear in his eyes for the first time since they'd met. But for once,_ she _was no longer scared. She was too overwhelmed with every other emotion to be terrified anymore._

_Once the noises stopped, Regina collapsed in a heap beside him, frozen by the shock of pain that had taken over her body, and holding her ribs._

~!~!~

"I'm sorry," Emma assured Regina. "You don't have to tell me."

Regina couldn't speak, so Emma spoke again.

"I guess I killed my boyfriend. I mean, I don't really remember it. I just remember being absolutely sure that he was a member of the CIA and that he was plotting to kill me."

Regina blinked a few times, thinking,  _Shit, this girl's crazy._ But for some reason, it didn't bother her. She didn't quite understand what it was like to have a psychotic delusion – she couldn't possibly, since her diagnoses of schizophrenia was completely bogus – but she empathized with Emma and imagined how frightening it must have been for her.

"I really thought he was going to kill me," Emma told her, her voice lowering in volume and sounding defeated and almost embarrassed. "But he was a jerk anyway. He liked to slap me around. Stole money from me. Gambled it all away. Brought other women back from the bars when I was at work and fucked them in our bed. That I  _know_ for sure, because my friends told me it was happening. I mean, I didn't believe it at first, but it became pretty obvious when he stopped having sex with me, and I found the used condoms in the trash can." With a sigh, she added, "Kinda gross. Anyway, here I am. I deserve to be here, though. I killed him, plus I'm crazy."

"Maybe it's okay to be crazy," Regina said softly, pondering this statement as she said it.

"You're not, though."

Regina opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling.

"You don't see things. Hear things. Think people are out to get you when they're not."

"No… But I don't judge you for any of that. It's not something you can control."

"Maybe that's not true. I could take my meds. Maybe they'd help."

"Maybe not."

"Don't you think it's… I don't know. Nevermind. It's silly."

"No, what?"

"Don't you think it would be worth a try? I mean, maybe I could get better. Maybe the voices would go away."

"Maybe," Regina conceded. "So why don't you take them?"

"I'm scared to."

"Why?"

"Because I don't really know what they're giving me. I mean, they can say they're giving me whatever, but I'd never believe them. I'm too paranoid."

"Well, maybe you're right about that. I mean, I take the meds. I'm not psychotic. They don't do anything except make me tired and subdued. I don't really mind it, I guess. But god knows what they're really giving us. I don't know. I just take them because I don't want to get beaten again, you know? Wait… How do you get away with not taking them?"

"I cheek my meds, of course. Don't be silly."

Regina raised her eyebrows, simply saying, "Oh."

There was quiet between them, then Emma said, "I want to go home. I want to-"

She was interrupted by the blaring sound of the fire alarm, howling in their ears. Seconds later, water was pouring from the ceiling, soaking them in an instant, and shortly thereafter, there was a guard at each of their doors.

"Out of your cell, pig!" Regina's guard shouted. "Let's go!"

"You forget to turn the stove off?" Emma asked her guard with a grin.

He growled and dragged her out of her cell without hesitation, slapping her across the face. In a hurry, he ignored her laughter and pulled her down the hallway. Regina's guard followed closely behind Emma's, jerking her arm every time she stumbled from the quickening pace.

To their surprise, they were pushed all the way to the next unit over, where the sprinklers had not been activated, and shoved into the same cell at the very end of the hall. Several other prisoners were behind them, but they were all quickly thrust into nearby cells. The doors slammed shut in an instant, and the guards all disappeared, their boots slamming on the concrete floor at the same time as they ran to deactivate the sprinkler system.

Out of breath from the struggle to make it down the hallway quickly without getting beaten, both women looked at each other, hearts racing, and waited for the other to speak. It was Emma, of course, who broke the silence.

"What was that about, do you think? I doubt there's an actual fire, or they would've evacuated the whole building."

Regina shrugged, still staring into Emma's bright green eyes.

"I can't believe I'm so close to you again," Emma breathed. "I thought they'd never let me out of solitary. I guess it worked out for me, huh?"

Blushing, the brunette looked away.

"Regina… Will you look at me?"

The woman lifted her head.

"I'm dying to touch you. To feel something real again."

She took a slow, non-threatening step forward, making Regina's heart race faster, and waited. Finally, Regina nodded, and Emma took her cue to move closer. With no guards around to stop her, she put her hands on Regina's waist and looked into her eyes.

"Regina," she sighed, reaching up with her right hand and cupping the woman's cheek.

Regina shivered from the touch and stuttered, "E-Emma."

"Can I kiss you?"

It took Regina quite a bit of time to respond to this, as she was unsure of what to say. Eventually, she nodded her head.

Emma stepped forward slowly, making their lips touch, and continued the kiss tenderly, then carefully sucked Regina's lower lip into her mouth, stroking it with her tongue.

As soon as Emma put her hands on Regina's arms to pull her gently closer, Regina felt her body go rigid as a flashback gripped her.

" _Robin, stop—" Regina pleaded, as the man's hands roughly gripped her arms to hold her in place and shove her down into the mattress._

_It only took him moments to enter her from above as he forced her to be still with his weight._

" _Fucking hold still," he growled, slamming into her mercilessly._

_As the bruises formed on her arms and thighs, Regina felt herself wishing she could black out. Wishing she could forget this and be somewhere else. Anywhere else._

When Regina came to, thrust back into the moment by a guard's shouting, she was crumpled on the floor of the cell, backed into the corner and rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm herself. Knelt in front of her, Emma tried to take her hands, but Regina jerked away, suddenly terrified to be touched. The phantom bruises reminded her of the pain she'd experienced at the hands of her former lover and had triggered the catastrophic melt-down.

It was only seconds before a guard shouted again and two others threw the cell door open. Regina nearly screamed but the sound was trapped in her throat.

"Off the floor, psycho," the guard ordered, roughly grabbing her arm and dragging her to her feet. "Time to see the doc."

Again, Regina felt the scream rising up inside her, and again, she felt it get stuck before it could escape. As she was dragged away, Regina stole one look backwards and saw Emma reaching out for her before the door slammed shut. Before she could control her reactivity, Regina felt herself struggle between the two guards pulling her down the hallway, each holding one of her arms. Then, she was thrashing wildly, even attempting to claw at the men's wrists.

"EMMA," Regina finally screamed, finding her voice.

"Jesus Christ, this girl's a freak!" one of the guards shouted. Then, looking at Regina, he said, "You are  _so_ lucky you have an appointment with the doc now, you little shit."

Seeing the struggle, one more guard jumped in, grabbing Regina's legs and lifting her off the floor as she struggled. Angry, petrified tears poured from Regina's eyes as they carried her to the doctor's office. Once in the room, Regina was put in an enclosed cell with bars, which really looked more like a cage than anything else.

"Fuck!" the third guard cried as the cell door closed, after Regina was finally able to claw his arm. "Do something, Doc! She's a fucking psycho!"

"Easy," the doctor said, rising to his feet. "Go get the nurse. She needs haloperidol."

It was only moments later that the nurse arrived with the injection.

"Hold her down," the doctor instructed the guards.

All three sighing in frustration, they threw the cell door open and jumped on the prisoner, pinning her to the floor. The nurse approached apprehensively, but she was used to patients getting out of hand, so her skilled hands had no trouble jabbing her with the needle. It wasn't long before the sedation kicked in and all that was left was Regina's tears.

"Emma," Regina whimpered. "I want Emma."

"Leave us," the doctor ordered, dismissing everyone else in the room once the cell door was closed. Then, he turned to Regina and addressed her, "Miss Mills. I am certain you're going to need a change in medication."

Sobbing, Regina covered her eyes and began to rock back and forth as she sat on the floor.

"What triggered you?" the man asked, approaching the cell and looking at her through the bars.

Regina shook her head slowly, her movements slowed from the sedation, refusing to answer.

"Okay then. Well, I'm going to start you on Clozapine. We'll start it tomorrow. Tonight, for your safety, we should put you back in solitary confinement."

Regina shook her head again, then realized this was a terrible idea, as she had quickly become dizzy and disoriented.

"We start the first dose tomorrow."

Not having the energy to continue protesting, Regina hugged her legs and continued to rock back and forth until she fell asleep like that, curled up on the floor.

~!~!~

To her shock and surprise, she woke up in a cell with Emma kneeling beside her, staring at but not touching her.  _What happened to solitary?_ she wondered.

"I am so sorry," Emma whispered, as Regina registered her presence.

"How are you here?" Regina asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes.

Feeling the ache of the very real bruises that had formed from the guards' rough handling, Regina groaned.

"I'm so sorry," the blonde repeated. "This is all my fault. I shouldn't have touched you. I just… I didn't know. Something really bad must've happened to you for you to—"

Regina shook her head vigorously and rolled away from Emma to face the wall.

"Okay," Emma sighed. "I get it. I wouldn't want to talk to me either now. I'm sorry, Regina."

"No," Regina croaked. "It's me. I'm fucked up. I'm… I'm broken."

"I don't think you're broken," Emma assured her. "I think you're perfect."

Regina rolled back over and looked into Emma's eyes, feeling her heart skip a beat as she replied, "I'm anything but. I'm sorry I'm like this. I wish I could be normal for you."

Emma laughed hard at this, leaning back against the wall as she answered, "Like I'm anywhere close to normal."

"I don't care about that."

"About the people that talk to me?"

"About anything. All I care about is you. And I am so, so sorry I flipped out. You just… You triggered something in me when we touched. I got… so… scared."

"I understand. Please know, though… I'd never hurt you. I promise you that."

Feeling her heart leap, Regina stifled the butterflies in her stomach and locked eyes with Emma again.

"I love you," the blonde sighed. "And I'm sorry. I won't touch you again, okay? I'd never want to hurt you."

"I'm just fucked, Emma.  _Fucked._ It's not you. I swear."

Biting her lip, Emma kept her eyes on Regina.

"I don't deserve you anyway," Regina said suddenly, finally breaking Emma's gaze.

"Don't say that! You deserve the world, Regina."

With a heavy sigh, Regina confessed, "I just wish I could be with you. Without flipping out like the psycho I am. I just… When you touched me, I saw him again and… and… What if I hurt you?"

"Why did you kill him?" Emma asked quizzically.

"Because he was going to kill me."

"Then why the fuck are you here?"

"Because my lawyer had me plead guilty by reason of insanity, I guess."

"But… it was self-defense?"

"He beat me."

"Oh, Regina…"

"And…"

"And?" Emma asked gently. "It's okay, princess. You can tell me."

"He raped me."

Emma's expression fell as she looked at Regina, but before either could say anything else, the cell door was thrown open, and a guard barged in.

"Time for your injection, freak," the guard announced with a grin. "Hopefully this shit chills you the fuck out. Otherwise, I'mma show you who's boss around here."

"Em—" Regina pleaded, reaching her hand out as she was dragged away.

~!~!~

Shortly after returning from her trip to the nurse's office to receive her medication, Regina returned to her cell feeling dizzy and fatigued.

"E-Em…" she slurred, stumbling towards the stripped, hard bed as she was thrown into the cell.

"I'm here," Emma whispered, rushing to Regina's side as she fell onto the bed. "Fuck, Regina… How much of that shit did they give you?"

"Dunno," Regina groaned. "Dizzy."

"Oh, shit," Emma gaped. "God damn. They really jacked you up, huh?"

In response, the brunette whined, "Don' like."

When she saw tears in Emma's eyes, she winced, feeling tragically guilty for causing the woman any kind of discomfort or pain.

"Touch me?" Regina pleaded suddenly, shifting uncomfortably on the bed.

Voice soft, Emma asked anxiously, "Are you sure?"

"P-Please."

As soon as Emma put her hand on Regina's back, the woman felt herself flinch, torn back into memories she hated, and whimpered softly.

Emma pulled away, but Regina whined loudly, so Emma put her hand back and whispered, "Are you okay?"

"Mmm," was the only response the brunette could manage.

Slowly, Emma began to rub the woman's back with gentle fingers. Focusing on Emma's scent to keep herself grounded in the reality of the present moment, Regina began to calm.

"Take a nap," Emma said softly. "I'll be right here."

Comforted by her companion's words, Regina did exactly that.

~!~!~

The next few days were similar, with Regina feeling dizzy for long periods of time after taking her medications, and with Emma there to comfort her in her cell.

During their first time outside after the incident with the sprinklers, the two sat together by the wall, looking up at the clouds.

"That one looks like a dick," Emma laughed, pointing at the sky. "Yuck."

Regina laughed – really laughed – and felt herself begin to feel warm for the first time in a long while.

"I love you," Emma said with a smile. "Don't feel obligated to say anything, okay? Just know I love you."

Regina couldn't help but smile, even as the feeling of terror rose within her.  _What if I hurt her?_ she thought. But Emma seemed confident in her own feelings, which made Regina feel somewhat comforted.

"God, it's been forever since I've had sex," Emma said suddenly, still looking up at the reportedly penis-shaped clouds.

"Miss it?" Regina chuckled, the comment making her feel lighter hearted.

"Not really," Emma said with a shrug. "I was never really into it. Then again, Neal was… Anyway. No, I don't, really. I just kinda… forget what it was like, ya know? I guess I just remember it being mediocre."

"Have you ever slept with a woman?" Regina asked quietly, suddenly feeling bolder than usual.

"No… Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe because you say you love me, and I figured you were at least into women in general."

"Well, no. Not exactly."

"Not exactly?" Regina laughed. "What the heck does that mean?"

"It means you're the only woman I've ever loved."

Regina's smile faded as she stared at Emma in disbelief.

"What's so special about me?"

"Everything."

This brought Regina's smile back, and more than anything, she wanted to kiss Emma. Still, she was too afraid of another flash back or panic attack to initiate this.

"Anyway," Regina said, attempting to distract herself. "It's different with a woman. Before Robin, I was with this woman, Ruby… The sex was great, to be honest. She turned out to be a real cunt though. She testified at my trail as a character witness to tell the whole court what a psycho I am."

"Yikes…" Emma said softly. "I'm sorry." Then, after a pause, she added, "At least the sex was good."

"Like I said, it's different with women."

"Hmm…"

"'Hmm' what?"

"Uh… to be honest… now I'm kind of curious."

Regina blushed and looked away, suddenly imagining herself riding Emma and listening to the woman's moans.

"You okay?" Emma asked, looking concerned.

"Huh? Oh. Um—"

Before she could finish her response, the guards announced that it was time to go back inside.

With a sigh, Emma stood and mused, "At least they put us in the same cell. Not sure how the fuck that happened, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Regina nodded in agreement and followed Emma inside.

~!~!~

A week later, when Regina returned to her cell after taking her seventh dose of the medication, Emma was gone.

Panic struck Regina. Her first thought was, 'What happened? Is she okay?' Next, the thought was, 'What did she do?'

It was two days before Regina found herself in the group room, staring at the sparse walls as she sat at the large table by herself. Then, to her complete shock, the door was opened, and Emma stepped in.

Regina had never been in the group room with anyone else, for what the guards referred to as 'safety reasons.' Now, Emma was here.

"Where… What…" Regina started, gaping at the blonde as she tried to process her abrupt reappearance.

"Long story. Anyway… I'm so glad to see you," Emma told her with a bright smile, as she walked over and sat down beside her at the table. "What ya doing?"

"Nothing? Obviously," Regina answered, dumbfounded by the ridiculousness of the question.

"Wanna play a game?"

"Like…?"

"I dunno. 'Go Fish?'"

Again, Regina started, stunned by Emma's nonchalance.

"Okay… Maybe not," Emma muttered. "We can just sit here. If you're mad at me and don't want to talk, I understand."

"No, I… I was just worried about you."

This earned a smile from Emma, who confessed, "I wish I could hug you."

"You…" Regina started, forcing the words out through the sensation of peanut butter in her throat. "You can."

Emma's eyes went wide as Regina's heart fluttered, and this time, when Emma wrapped her arms around Regina, the brunette didn't flinch. Instead, Regina embraced Emma and rested her head in the crook of the woman's neck.

"Em?" Regina asked softly, mustering the courage to reach up and stroke the woman's long blonde hair.

"Yes, dear?"

"I… I love you, too."

Emma pulled away instantly to look into Regina's eyes, and when she looked, she saw that Regina's cheeks had turned a bright shade of red.

Before either could say more or react to the admission, a guard opened the door to the group room and said, "Time's up."

With a sigh and pain in her eyes, Regina stood reluctantly and followed the guard out of the room.

~!~!~

The next time Regina went outside, Emma was waiting for her. She wanted to scream her name. To run to her. To embrace her. To  _kiss her._ But she knew the guards were watching every move, so she approached slowly with a nervous smile and waited for Emma to speak.

"Hi, beautiful," Emma said softly. "How are you this fine, cloudy morning?"

"Better now," Regina replied with a smile, then looked up at the sky. "Actually, I'm great. I don't see any dicks in the sky."

Emma burst out laughing and took Regina's hand, saying, "God, I love you."

"I love you, too."

Luckily, by the time it was their turn to leave the yard, the guards weren't looking, and Regina was able to steal a chaste kiss before they went inside.

~!~!~

On the sixteenth day of being on the Clozapine, it had been four days since she had seen Emma. Sitting in the group room by herself, she began to panic as she stared at the door, waiting – and praying – for Emma to walk in.  _What happened?_ she found herself wondering again. Like always, Regina declined to use any of the few activities in the room and instead sat quietly. The clock ticked over and over for an hour before the guard opened the door.

No Emma.

~!~!~

On day twenty-one of her medication, Regina found herself sitting in the cell in the doctor's room.

"Good morning, Regina," the doctor greeted her.

Regina was shocked to find herself nodding in reply. Two weeks ago, she wouldn't have bothered to respond.

"I hear you've been doing very well," the doctor mused. "That you've been calmer, more subdued, and more compliant. This is a wonderful thing, Regina. And not only that… I've received no reports of you responding to internal stimuli, which appeared to be the primary concern prior to your injection of haloperidol."

Regina stared at him, feeling her mouth go dry.  _What the fuck?_ she was thinking.  _Internal stimuli?_

"Have you been seeing or hearing anything that others cannot?" the doctor asked softly.

Regina shook her head firmly.

"Any more dizziness? I heard from the guards that the first couple of days were rough for you, and that you were sleeping a lot."

Again, Regina shook her head.

"Good. Good," the doctor said with a smug smile. "But tell me… Has anything changed for you over the past three weeks? Have you noticed anything… different, about your surroundings?"

Staring at him, Regina felt her heart sink.  _Emma._ Horrified, Regina felt her chest begin to tighten.  _Oh, my God. No._

Seeing the look of shock on Regina's face, the doctor announced, "I see. I'm going to up your dose one more time, just to be sure."

Regina shook her head, tears filling her eyes.

"Trust me, Regina. This is for the best."

~!~!~

Back in her cell, Regina fell to her knees, holding her head in her hands, and sobbed.

~!~!~

The next morning, when the nurse gave her the Clozapine tablet, Regina hesitated.

"Mills," the nurse said sharply. "Do I need to call the doctor to give you another dose of haloperidol?"

Shaking her head vigorously, Regina took the pill hastily and shoved it into her mouth. What the nurse didn't notice was that when Regina opened her mouth, the pill was still between her tongue and her cheek.

~!~!~

Regina cried herself to sleep over the next four nights, after cheeking her medications each day, desperate to see Emma again. On the fifth day, Regina found herself outside in the yard again. Still no Emma. But back in her cell that night…

Emma was waiting for her when she was thrown back into her cell.

"You're back!" Regina shouted, rushing to the blonde and throwing her arms around her as tears of relief spilled down her cheeks.

"I'm here, baby girl," Emma whispered, stroking Regina's hair as she kissed the top of her head and offered a soft, enchanting smile.

Feeling the liberation from agony wash over her, Regina realized that if cheeking her meds meant seeing Emma… she didn't care if she was real. She was  _here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now I'm off to go prepare for the angry mob coming at me with pitchforks...
> 
>  
> 
> In my defense, this is really the only way the story could naturally go. Thanks, R. W. Callahan, for helping me find my way with this. I think it settled where I wanted it to. To my readers, please feel free to share feedback. I always love discussing stories and characters and appreciate any input. I hope you all found this story to be the enjoyable, emotional ride that I intended it to be. Thank you so much for reading (and please don't kill me with pitchforks).


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